


She Deserved Better

by RelativelySain



Category: AU - Fandom, Grantchester
Genre: Affairs, Angst, Comfort, Crossover, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Hurt, Not an enthusiastic yes, between spouses, mature just to be safe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:48:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 10,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22779715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RelativelySain/pseuds/RelativelySain
Summary: When life challenges what you thought you knew, who you thought you were, how will you respond?(I'm not in the Berena fandom, YOU'RE in the Berena fandom)
Relationships: Amelia Davenport/Pamela Horsfall, Amelia Davenport/Thomas Davenport
Comments: 7
Kudos: 14
Collections: The Redgrave Russell Cinematic Multiverse (RRCMV)





	1. The arrival of an unexpected guest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: abusive spousal scenario (no graphic depictions)  
> Her husbands a dick, her friend's a wild card, and she has a dinner party to navigate between them.

Amelia just managed to restrain her yelp into a sharp intake of breath, shoulders jumping as a pair of arms circled around her from behind and a soft chin landed between her neck and left shoulder. “Pamela!” She kept her voice at a whisper, shoulders relaxing once she made out the familiar face. Amelia glanced around the room before returning her eyes to her friend, flicking down for a brief detour at the rouge lined grin along the way. “What are you doing here?"

The brunette’s chuckle rumbled against where Pam was pressed against her. "Thought you could do with some support…and who am I to pass on cocktails?”

Amelia’s mouth tugged up at the corners, eyes beaming at the sheer energy Pam always managed to exude. “Thomas has been in a…well, he’s been under a lot of stress recently. I’m afraid we’ll be mostly occupied with the Gregsons this evening. I hope you’ll be alright to entertain yourself. I can introduce you to–” She turned from Pam towards where she had seen Stacy last but was interrupted by a sharp pull on her wrist that lead her out of Pam’s warm arms.

“Amelia! Mrs. Gregson has asked after you twice already, what do you think you’re playing at?” Thomas hissed out, leaning in towards her and releasing her wrist.

“I..”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses. Honestly, can’t you manage anything without needing your hand held? WELL?” He gestured towards the next room, eyes wide and indignant that she wasn’t already on her way.

“Of course, sorry.” Her gaze dropped to the floor as she moved forward. His hand found firm purchase on her opposite shoulder, arm crossing her back as they walked. She glanced back at Pamela with a practiced smile and felt a pang of guilt for leaving Pam in the lurch as she caught sight of the flash of anger in the brunette’s eyes.

As the event progressed, she never did get a chance to break away. It would seem Pam’s aim to give her reprieve from hosting hadn’t quite hit it’s mark. Amelia let out a sigh as she closed the front door behind the last party stragglers. Thomas was already part way up the stairs, hand sliding up the railing as he grumbled down to her. “I’ll be in my study.” Her heart sank a bit. She thought she’d done a fair job of making up her delayed arrival with the Gregsons but she had the niggling suspicion she wouldn’t see him again until morning. She gave the servants some parting instructions as they began collecting the glasses scattered around from the guests. Brenton advised her that there was actually one guest left. He apologized for not knowing who but she was in the library. Amelia’s eyes widened and she gave the boy an encouraging smile.

“That’s quite alright Brenton, I believe the woman you’re talking about wasn’t on the original guest list. Thank you.” He gave a crisp nod and continued clearing up. Slowly pushing the heavy door to the library open, her features relaxed into the first genuine smile she’d had for hours. Pam was leant to one side of a wingback chair, a book held in one hand and the other propped up with a lazy ribbon of smoke rising from a fag pinched between her fingers. Amelia watched from the doorway as she drew it near and wrapped her lips carefully around it. There was something about the way she moved that drew attention to her even when she wasn’t storming through dropping profanities as if they were the most commonplace of prepositions…and quite loudly at that. No. Pamela Horsfall was nothing like any of the women Amelia knew. She allowed herself to study the woman closer now that she had the chance and grinned at how very _her_ the outfit was. Bright red, fitted to every curve and just slightly out of step among the more demure gowns of the evening. She had to admit the brunette pulled it off with stunning ease. As her gaze trailed back up, she felt her face flush, eyes catching Pam’s who was watching her with a smirk.

“Took your time I see."

Amelia smiled through her blush and entered the room, closing the door gently behind her. "I see you found something to occupy you…and had I known you were coming earlier I could have arranged for some guests you actually know.” A single brow rose as she delivered her retort.

Pam’s grin widened and she sat up, uncrossing her legs in the process and closing the book single-handedly with a loud slap of pages. “The only guest I came to see was you Amelia."

Amelia frowned at the ground before looking back up with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. "I’m sorry I couldn’t get away to properly introduce you to anyone–”

“Oh, I don’t give a damn about any of that.” Placing the book down, Pam stood and closed the distance, slipping her arm into the crook of Amelia’s.

“Still, I do wish I could have spent some of the evening with you. It’s just, the merger Thomas is”–Pam interrupted with a brusk huff of air.–“working on is rather important.”

"Oh I’m sure it always is…but no more about it.” She gave Amelia’s arm a light pat with the hand linked through while she took a puff of her fag with the other, turning her face away from Amelia to exhale. “You’re here now. That’s what counts. What do you say? Have enough energy left for a nightcap and some rather important frivolous news about who I saw sneaking off together?”

Amelia chuckled and gave a weak shake of her head. “You are terrible, you know that?”

“Yes, and it’s your absolute favourite thing about me…apart from my looks of course.” She gave a wink and the two were off to the wine cellar in search of a good bottle of Shiraz, arms linked and quiet laughter reverberating off the cold walls.


	2. You comfort me in my darkest moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: spousal abuse scenario (no graphic depictions)
> 
> Amelia comes undone.

She hadn't planned it...or expected it really but somehow it wasn't surprising. Nothing came out of nowhere to sweep her off her feet nor were there any grand gestures or tokens..just friendship that was more than friendship. They spent as much time as they could together and were always remorseful to part. Any thing the other missed out on was quickly recounted the next time they met. They were steadfast friends: so it was only natural to find her mind wondering to thoughts of her wasn't it? It helped her get through the less favourable parts of the day.

Perhaps that is why she not only agreed to have Pam come over early while she prepared for the latest dinner event, but was elated by the prospect of some time together before she would be torn away to be the dutiful hostess at Thomas' side. Had she been able to account for the small row between her and Thomas the day of, perhaps she wouldn't have troubled her friend but then again, she didn't exactly ring Pam after the effect to cancel their plans. 

Ms. Wright had done a beautiful job on her hair as always and her outfit lay neatly on the bed. Amelia had sent her off while she finished her bath, careful not to get Ms. Wright's hard work wet. Finally alone and in a reprieve from running the household she allowed herself a few self indulgent sobs, tears disappearing into the bath water. Always aware of her time restraints, she pulled herself together and out of the water. Wrapping a towel around her, she managed to put on most of her face before getting lost in her thoughts, lipstick hovering near her lips and eyes staring through the mirror. A knock on the door snapped her out of it as Ms. Wright introduced Pam. Amelia told her to send her in, returning to the process of finishing her lips. 

Amelia hadn't planned to vent when Ms. Wright left them but as they both went over what had transpired since they saw each other last...the argument had come up and Pam had pressed her not to pass over it. Amelia did her best to explain why Thomas had said the things he had and that it really had been her fault for forgetting to check up on the delivery men to make sure they had the correct date. Her face had fallen to stare at her fidgeting hands as she rambled quietly about wishing she weren't so useless and how Thomas deserved a wife who could manage at the very least the basest of tasks.

Pam stopped her, catching her face between both hands. "Hey, no matter what that idiot husband of yours says...you are worthy...of so much more. You are more than good enough. You're lousy with charm, class, brains. You're drop dead gorgeous and most importantly you have what's in here." Pam lowered a hand and placed her palm flat over Amelia's heart. "Don't let him tarnish it with self doubt." 

Amelia stared into the face so near her own unsure how to accept let alone express her gratitude but everything inside her yearned to do so...to finally be let loose from the constant restraint and posturing...to be allowed to be less than perfect. "Pam, I--" She glanced nervously towards the door before the pained expression was once again directed towards Pam. A few seconds more before she gave into herself and with heart beating so forcefully it hurt she leaned forward and quickly kissed Pam on the cheek. Her brows knit in confusion as Pam held her arms when she moved to pull back. As they locked eyes, her breath quieted and they drew slowly together. She thought there would be shock..maybe a note of how soft her lips were in comparison to Thomas' but it was all she could do but to ride the wave as her heart lifted and a need so strong and yet so natural she wondered if it wasn't always there filled her entire being.

By the time her mind cleared their lips had parted flushed and breathless with one hand cradling Pam's hip and the other woven through her hair. She could feel the warmth of Pam's own stroking gently at the exposed back above her towel. Her lips quivered around a yet to be formed question as the sound of the door opening struck her heart in alarm and she shot back, colliding with the vanity and knocking a few items over as the rest of the makeup merely shook. Pam stepped away as well, moving to go lean on the bed post, eyes watching Amelia carefully.

Her stomach dropped as the person who entered was not her maid, but Thomas instead.

"T..Thomas. Darling..." She moved over to him with a smile, glancing over to Pam as she passed her. Her hand hesitated briefly before she wrapped herself around his arm. "Did you need--"

"What's she doing here?" Amelia tensed and looked over to Pam, mouth opening to reply. "And why aren't you finished getting ready yet? Too distracted talking I imagine. Why don't you have your..friend..wait in the Parlor while you finish getting dressed." Pam narrowed her eyes at his distasteful tone and the dismissive side glance he shot her. He had been far from discreet in his opinion of her from day one. 

"O..Of course. Pam...I..I'll be out shortly." She replied as cheerfully as she could manage with a forced smile. There was a beat of tension as Pam stared, arms crossed in silence a few seconds before pushing herself off the bedpost. She made point of not acknowledging Thomas as she left, hand reaching out to gently brush against Amelia's arm along the way.

"See you in a bit babe." Pam remarked softly before closing the bedroom door behind her.

"Couldn't you spend time with...more appropriate friends instead of some tabloid sensationalist?" He turned to look at her and frowned before reaching out, fingers lifting her chin as she stiffened hyper aware of each breath and stared back. He swiped his thumb just beside the corner of her mouth, the force causing her face to turn. 

"And fix your face, you look like you just put your lips on in back of the car."

She swallowed and straightened as he walked over to the closet. In a forced calm, she returned to the vanity and, pulling out a tissue, removed the lipstick smeared above and to the side of her lips, heart pounding and eyes focused on the mirror. Her hand froze as he moved behind her in the mirror. Her eyes closed as he leaned down to kiss the back of her neck, his hands heavy on her shoulders and an unpleasant shudder ran down her spine. 

"I better finish getting dressed and head down to make sure everything's ready for our guests." She interjected as his kisses trailed downwards.

"It can wait."

* * *

  
She stared blankly at the wall as she pulled the last glove up her arm. The sound of Thomas' voice served as a reminder to look over with a smile and nod before he opened the bedroom door. Her face dropped emotionless again as soon as he left. Giving herself one last look over in the mirror she went in search of Pam. 


	3. Amelia's Aria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only she were brave enough...

Her steps slowed outside the parlor, heart racing. Would Pam be angry with how she handled the situation? Should she just pretend the...the kiss never happened? What if Pam wasn't even in there...what if she had left? What if Amelia had ruined everything? Her vision became unfocused and she reached out to steady herself on the wall. God, she really was useless. Go inside Amelia...just step forward...

"Pamela?" She called timidly once she finally plucked up the nerve to go in. The brunette was standing, gaze directed out the window, arms crossed beneath her chest. She hadn't left...Amelia's heart fluttered. The relief quickly returned to jitters when her friend's only response was to take a deep breath, fist tightening around her arms. Too used to being snapped at for asking if someone was alright, she skipped ahead to her apology. "I'm sorry about earlier..."

"For sending me away or for the kiss?" Pam turned to face Amelia, eyes glancing sideways and arms falling to her sides as she continued. Her words threatened to rush together while slowing every so often...a tell she was trying to keep calm. "Because I can understand...if you needed time...if you couldn't come clean or...were afraid of Thomas finding out...but **please** don't be sorry for the kiss." She looked at Amelia, each breath visibly moving her. "Because I **know** why you did that...and I think you do too." Neither could break the gaze between them as Pam spoke but there was so much fear tainting Amelia's; frail limbs held tight to her chest; so still Pam thought she must be teetering on the edge of either breaking into a million pieces or bolting. "And I don't think I could accept an apology for that babe."

"Couldn't we...just go back to how things were...forget.." Amelia trailed off, unshed tears trembling in her eyes.

"Do you really want to?" Pam approached her with a pleading look. "Because I don't."

She should say yes. She is married and even if she weren't: This...this wasn't done...not in any respectable circles anyway. She couldn't be an invert. She was an aristocrat for Christ's sake. She'd never even considered the possibility...it wasn't her. She was Amelia Davenport...but she didn't want to lose Pamela. She couldn't bear it.

"I"--She moved to step forward but stopped herself, hand reaching out--"I don't want to lose you...but I can't...I can't leave Thomas."

"Even if he's a controlling bastard who knocks you around nearly as often as he puts you down?"

Amelia looked up at the ceiling. "I--" Pam waited but Amelia didn't have the words so Pam stepped closer and gently took up Amelia's hand. The blonde clenched her eyes shut, a tear escaping each side. "You don't have to leave him for me...but I really wish you would leave him for you. Stay with family or other friends if you have to...he isn't good for you." Amelia yanked her hand free with a glare.

"And this is?! What exactly would I gain from leaving him? The house, our belongings, everything we own is in his name. Our friends...would no doubt side with him"--A strained laugh choked out--"my own mother would probably side with him. I would have no money, no friends, no support once so ever..."

"You'd have love"--Amelia scoffed and turned her face away, swiping away the stray tears.--"and you'd be free. You have all those things now and they don't make you happy, do they?" Pam leaned her head to try to catch Amelia's eyes again, searching for any sign she was getting through. Amelia only shook her head, jaw clenched tight as she stepped away.

"I think you should leave now." She stared stubbornly at the wall, unable to meet Pam's eyes. Pam took a deep breath, eyes sad but resigned.

"If you ever change your mind...or simply need help...you know where to find me." She paused at the doorway. "And the door will always be open. Just know you wouldn't be alone in it...you have options if you need them...a friend if you need her."

The exhale after she was gone left Amelia shaking but she refused to let any more tears fall. She had to get a grip...She had a dinner party to host and no time to fall to pieces. No time to address what she was feeling. No time for uncertainty or confusing upheavals. There would be several times in the years following that she wondered what her life would have been like if she had accepted Pam that day. Where she allowed herself to imagine that life..even after her son was born. Not that she could ever truly want a life where he didn't exist...no that ship had long sailed but it was a nice fantasy to escape to when she felt unworthy, when her body ached, when she hid out of sight far from the inebriated beckoning as Thomas stumbled through the hallways, when she couldn't support Will as much as he wanted her to, the mother he wanted her to be, when she was trying to select which silver to sell off next just to scrounge up enough to pay the remaining servants with...it helped her through the rough days.

And then she hit rock bottom. Thomas had cheated a man in a scheme to pay off the numerous gambling debts, murdered the man...and when their son caught him out...he blew a hole through his own skull rather than face his crimes. No, instead he left **her** to deal with the fallout all on her own: the public humiliation, the debts, their fractured family. Thank God for Will. No matter if he thought she complained too much...she **was** grateful to him...she was. It wasn't his fault after all...that she lost the servants, their family home...that no one in their previous social circles would speak to her...that she instead lived in a tiny flat with noisy neighbors expected to live a lifestyle she had never been prepared for. Still expected to do as she was told without complaint and still somehow managing to make a mess of it all. So she did what she had been taught to do...she found herself a new fiance. The cycle may just be passing from her son's hand to his but at least with him, she had a window back into a lifestyle she knew.

She even found herself humming as she fastened her stole shrug about her shoulders. She was practically giddy and all over the silly prospect of attending an Opera. There were so many things she'd realized she'd taken for granted and now life was finally returning to how it should be. Reality did love to throw spanners her way though...she should have known something would happen. She had been far too happy. Will had dropped by to express his misgivings about St. John and in the resulting row she had told him not to bother showing up to the engagement party. St. John had comforted her and assured her the Opera would be just the thing to restore her spirits. It may have even worked had her bad luck not had other plans. A theft was discovered during intermission, causing a delay as police cased the area in search of the stolen jewelry.

"Pamela," She breathed out, eyes wide and body rooted to the spot. St. John nearly lost her grip on his arm before he stopped and looked at her in question. The familiar brunette turned away from the man she'd been interviewing, a small pad and pen in hand, and locked eyes with Amelia.

"Amelia, it's been...ages"--she directed a bright smile to Amelia's companion; Amelia only able to discern it as her work smile because she knew the woman so well"--And who is this?"

"St. John, I'd like you to meet Ms. Pamela Horsfall, an old friend."

He raised a brow but gave a polite smile all the same, reaching for her hand. "St. John Gurney-Clifford, a pleasure...here I thought Amy had fallen out with all of her old friends"--Amelia's face fell a fraction before quickly repairing into a smile--"I'm glad to see I was mistaken. Are you here with anyone?"

"Oh no, I'm here covering for the paper."

"Oh..you're a..reporter? That's quite the unusual choice isn't it?"

"I'm an unusual kind a gal." She replied without missing a beat.

"How admirable..to take on such a profession. Quite lonely I imagine."

Pam smiled tightly, shooting a glance over to Amelia. She did have a type didn't she?

"St. John, why don't you head on back in and I'll catch you up." At the annoyed look he leveled at her, Amelia offered up a weak smile. "Just a minute or two, promise."

"Alright, keep in mind they should be starting up again soon."

She gave another practiced grin and nod before looking to Pam and taking a deep breath to steady and think. "Why, don't we walk along the terrace for a bit of privacy?"

"Alright then." They made their way outside. The neat garden path was lit enough by the moon.

"I like the hair." Amelia finally broke the silence with a nervous burst and a timid smile towards the Brunette's pixie cut.

"Thanks"--Pam laughed--"Came with the new gig. Needed something more serious once I graduated from gossip to investigative journalism." Amelia laughed at the flourish with which Pam delivered the joke, eyes entranced by her. A tense quiet drew between them as the laugh faded. "I, I heard about...everything with Thomas"--Amelia's face fell in shame and Pam nearly kicked herself for bringing it up--"It must have been awful..I'm terribly sorry it ended like that."

"Though not terribly surprised I imagine," she joked with a bite in her laugh. She shook her head to stop Pam from interjecting, spotting the remorse in her eyes. "No. You. You **were** right." She kept her eyes forward as they strolled further around the fountain and Pam gave her time, understanding she had more to say. Amelia's eyes clenched shut. "I wish I had your courage," she pressed out so quietly Pam may have missed it had the night air not been so still around them. Pam's heart ached over the sadness in her friend when she turned back. Amelia cautiously moved the hand between them closer, nearly brushing their little fingers. Pamela watched her, weighted with the thought that this wonderful woman would likely never allow herself the freedom of being who she truly was. Exhaling, she looked down and dug the pen and notepad back out of her jacket pocket.

"If you ever need to talk"--she scribbled her phone number down on a fresh page and tore it off the pad--"Options...I promise not to kiss you this time," she tagged on with a teasing smile. The shy smile she won didn't quite reach Amelia's eyes but the blonde took the paper and pressed it to her chest for safe keeping. Pam looked back towards the foyer as the lights dimmed a moment: five minute warning. She gave Amelia a kind smile, any hurt from that night tempered by time into a gentle undercurrent. "He'll be waiting, you should probably head back in." Amelia inhaled slow and a bit shaky but put the smile she wore for the rest of the world back on with a nod and turned towards the foyer. Pam cautiously reached out to give her hand a light squeeze with a supportive grin. When she moved to release it, Amelia reached out and took hold again. Pam looked up from their hands in shock but the blonde only stared tensely ahead.

"I just...just until we're inside, please?" Her voice nearly broke on the last word. Pam turned forward and tightened their hold a fraction in reply. The brunette realized she would always be there for Amelia...perhaps past the point of sense...but who else would be if not her? She very much doubted St. John would rise to the occasion any more than Thomas had.


	4. Contact

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glossary of outdated terms in end notes. (Please let me know if I should add any of the others as well.)

It had jarred her, the first call. It had been so late she had assumed it was someone calling about a family emergency or a scoop for a story and had scrambled over to the table, nearly dropping the damn handset. She'd caught it by the chord and was a bit breathless when she answered. "Hello?!"

The line remained silent for a pause and then a strained whisper. "Pamela?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"...sorry, this..it's Amelia"--Silence--"Is now an ok time...I know it's late, sorry, I shouldn't have--"

"No, it's fine"--Pam sank slowly into a nearby chair, chord pulling taught across her chest--"I can talk."

"...How have you been?"

Pam held back a chuckle, eyes rolling up. "Swell...Amelia, what's your tale nightingale?" Whatever it was, Amelia was clearly struggling to talk about it. Apart from the long pauses before she spoke, her voice sounded tight, choked up.

"...I'm getting married in the Spring." Her cheer sounded forced and she could see that damn smile in her head. Pam waited, eyes falling to the chord as she pulled it down into her lap. "Will, my son, he's worried St. John will be like Thomas. It's just him being over protective...St. John's been nothing but sweet...never raised his voice to me let alone a hand..." Pam heard Amelia take a shaky breath on the other end of the line and forced herself to make an effort despite this being the very last subject she wanted to discuss with Amelia.

"But you're not so sure about being circled* again?"

"He..we"--another breath and Pam is almost certain she can hear a tearful hitch--"We had a date tonight and I sent him home. He wanted to stay but I..couldn't...Tell me I'm not making a mistake..." Pam dropped her head into her free hand at Amelia's plea.

"I can't do that Amelia. This is something you have to decide on your own. No one can tell you what to do this time: not your parents, not me, not your son, not St. John. The choice is yours."

"What if I mess it up? What if I make the wrong choice?"

"That's the risk people take, every choice...every crossroad. What does your heart tell you?" She couldn't stop her own heart from hoping as her face lifted from her hand.

"...that I'm broken." Amelia whispered, voice cracking and a muffling at the end that Pam guessed was her hand covering her mouth. 

"Oh kitten..."

"I..don't want to go back to"--Her voice hitched again--"I thought I could...Why can't I...his touch made my skin _crawl_ Pam." Never in her life had Pam so wished she could reach through the phone so she could comfort her...give her some kind of reassurance that she would be okay.

"Not wanting him to touch you doesn't mean you're broken Amelia...there is **nothing** wrong with you."

"Then why can't I do anything right?"

"If it was wrong to make every self important man flip their lid, I'd need a ledger to keep count of all my wrong doings. Cut yourself some slack and stop trying to make everyone else happy by making yourself miserable."

There was a sob on the other end. "I don't know what to do Pam."

"I know...but you have time still and **you** are in control of what happens, when it happens...if it happens. You." There were some sniffles but Pam could hear she was starting to get control of her breathing again.

"Thank you." Her tone implied the words may cover more than the last words of encouragement.

"It's alright. Breathe for me okay? You'll be alright kitten." The line was silent apart from the sound of Amelia's breathing as it slowly began to level. Pam stayed on the line, just listening for a long while.

* * *

The second call had been a torment. Pam couldn't stop herself from thinking about the blonde and wondering if she would hear from her again. Days felt like weeks but on the Tuesday after, around 9am, Amelia rang her again.

"Pamela Horsfall,Tribune."

"Hi Pam, it's Amelia. Hope I'm not interrupting anything?" Pam's face lit up and she turned away from most of the office, sitting on the edge of her desk. Amelia sounded like she was in much better spirits than the other night.

"Amelia, hi. Nothing that didn't need interrupting." She laughed and accepted a folder from a passing intern, receiver pinned between her ear and shoulder as she mouthed a 'thanks babe' and sifted through the papers within.  
  
"Good." A pause. "I was wondering..if you would like to get lunch together? I'll be in town running some errands." Pam's fingers stopped, page half propped up and she schooled herself, eyes darting out across the office.

"Louie's say about half past eleven?" Pam offered, hoping her excitement didn't ruin her attempt at a casual tone.

"I'll see you there."

Pam couldn't help the grin. "See you then." 

* * *

  
Oh. She was early. Nerves scratched away at Amelia's insides and she looked behind her unsure whether she should leave to roam the shops and come back...was there enough time? No. Better she wait here. She looked up, indecision cut short as a young lad approached her with menus already in arm. "Are you meeting anyone ma'am?" 

"Oh, no..well yes. A friend but I'm afraid I'm a bit early." 

"Would you like to be seated and have something to drink while you wait?"

"Yes, thank you."

Amelia picked at the porcelain of her tea cup, biscuits untouched on the plate. She didn't notice when Pam arrived which gave the brunette a chance to admire how nervous the former socialite looked. Pam wore a fond grin when the boy lead her over to the table and Amelia finally looked up, shoulders falling with a small smile as she exhaled. "Pamela."

"Sorry, am I late?" Looking back uncomfortably as the boy pulled out her chair for her, Pam sat down. She looked to Amelia and shrugged her brows with a small chortle as he left them.

"No, I was early. How are you?"

"Peachy. Busy thanks to work...but good. And you?" She asked, her tone and brows tinged with worry. 

Amelia let out a breathy laugh, looking down and, having realized she was fidgeting with the cup, moved her hands to her lap.  
"Better"--Amelia looked up with a sad smile and took a deep breath--"I told St. John I needed a little time to myself...to arrange the wedding affairs. He was a bit dejected I think but agreed to go along with it. It will give me some space to think at least."

Pam offered an encouraging smile. "That's good."

"So, the _Tribune_ , hm?"

"Don't you start..."

Amelia laughed raising a palm in good faith. "No, I won't. I'm impressed...you've done so well for yourself."

"Thanks. It took hard work but I got there...still getting there to be honest. How about you, you have a son now. Tell me about him."

The conversation kept to lighter topics as they ordered and ate. Catching up on what Pam had been up to, tales of household antics from Amelia, and laughing over good memories they'd shared years ago. For a while, Amelia could pretend nothing had ever fallen apart and no daunting tasks loomed in her future. They kept talking long after their plates were empty until the boy came to clear them and ask if they were ready for the check. 

"I got this." Pamela said, covering the bill with a hand as she pulled out her checkbook.

"Are you sure?" Amelia asked looking a bit guilty, knowing that even with her recent setbacks she must be living far more comfortably than Pam.

"Let me treat you for once would you?" Pam teased with a grin, settling up the bill and standing. 

"Alright." Amelia grinned, glancing back as Pam walked behind her to help pull Amelia's chair out. 

"Get a move on, there's somewhere you have to see before I head back to the office." Her tone was teasing, more excitement than any sense of urgency. Amelia laughed and trailed after, grabbing her hand to keep up as Pam weaved her way through the restaurant out into the street. It was a good thing her hat was well pinned or she may have very well lost it.

"What is it?"

"Well, if I told you, that would ruin the suspense wouldn't it?"

"Cheeky...hold on"--Amelia laughed trying to catch her breath--"if you keep this up. I won't make it to where ever it is you're taking me." She pulled at Pam's hand and slowed to a stop, Pam spinning back towards her from the motion. The fur from Pam's coat collar tickled the the edges of her fingers as Amelia caught her shoulders to keep them from colliding, both in a state of giggles. 

"Alright, alright." Pam conceded, her own breathing a bit heavy. "Glacial speed it is." Amelia gave Pam's arm a harmless smack despite the laugh her gibe produced. 

"Thank you." 

They continued their earlier conversation as they walked through the brisk air, gloved hands intertwined between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *circled (aka married)
> 
> Their own happy little bubble...lets hope they don't get blown back to reality shall we? Until next chapter, we leave you here.


	5. Two months with Pamela Horsfall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glossary of outdated terms at the end. (Let me know if I should add any ^_^)

The next few months came and went before Amelia knew it. What with planning the wedding and the time she spent visiting with Pam...the days in her humdrum little flat no longer dragged on forever.

* * *

  
"This is an **essential** life skill Amelia."

"It's finally happened. You have actually gone insane."

"Amelia."

"What am I paying the maid for then?" 

" **You** aren't paying her. Now, I'm not saying you have to go native and start sewing your own clothing...though you really should learn how to mend"--Pam waived away the thought with her hand--"discussion for another day but lets say you end up stranded traveling somewhere..wouldn't it be nice to at least have clean clothes?" 

"Pamela--" She cut herself off with an incredulous laugh. 

"Humour me, won't you?"

Amelia agreed but remained a step behind Pam, arms crossed and only watching with the most sour of expressions. Pam explained step by step and that some fabrics needed different care than others. Amelia blinked and looked to Pam in confusion as she realized she'd stopped talking. Her eyes widened and mouth fell slack as Pam pushed over a basket of laundry. Pam just barely contained her amusement.

Her hands hovered over the basket before carefully removing a red shirt and glancing over to Pam nervously. Pam reached over to help.

"That's it. Sort out the whites so the colors don't bleed onto them." 

Amelia's shoulders relaxed and she followed Pam's lead. She might even have gone as far as to call the task relaxing as she stood side by side, talking with Pam about the latest story she was chasing. The hand washing however..not so much. After finally finishing with the stockings, which she had taken extra care to make sure she didn't rip, she found her fingers numb and knuckles raw after only two shirts. Pam saw her nursing her hands over the water, trying to at least get some more warmth into her fingers and pulled the basin away. Amelia looked over, brows tugged up in the middle, unsure and apologetic. Pam merely smiled and started washing the remaining clothes. "I can take over from here, takes some time to get used to the water." She reached over and rubbed Amelia's fist to give a bit of added warmth. "Why don't you put that pile of whites in the wash?" 

Amelia gave a half smile and started pouring the clothes in the machine. When she reached for the bleach however she knocked it over, the liquid splashing out onto the floor and across a sleeve that had fallen out of the pile of reds. Her heart dropped, eyes wide as she scrambled to right the jug with trembling hands.

"I'm so sorry! Your shirt--" Tears welled in her eyes, hand moving to cover her mouth while the other wrapped across her waist, as she stared in horror at her error.

Pam hushed gently, arm reaching out as she stepped over to the shirt. "It's alright--" Amelia stepped back from the outstretched hand shoulders flinching. 

"I'm sorry..." She repeated quietly eyes fixed on the floor. 

Sympathy crept into Pam's expression as she recognized her mistake. She carefully moved her hand away from the blonde and separated the shirt from the pile instead. "Quite alright. We'll get this rinsed off and everything--" She stopped as Amelia rushed out of the mudroom. Pam sighed, eyes closing. _Damn him._ She hoped Thomas was suffering every torment in hell for what he'd put Amelia through. Throwing the shirt under running water and giving the area a quick scrub, she left it to soak in fresh water before going in search of Amelia. She kept her steps slow and quiet as she approached the blonde curled up in the corner of the sofa, head in hands and tears dripping down her arms. Pam's knees complained as she lowered onto them in front of her. 

"Amelia?"

The blonde only shook her head as another sob escaped.

"I'm not angry. It's just a shirt, really...we're both safe and sound...that's the important thing. It was just an accident Amelia. Happens to the best of us." 

"I'm sorry." She hiccuped through the tears.

"Nothing to be sorry for kitten"--She reached out carefully for Amelia's wrists trying to keep her hands in her friend's field of vision. She stopped before touching her, palms up. "Amelia, look at me"--her tone was gentle and she reached towards Amelia's cheek when the blonde looked up--"May I?"

Amelia's eyes wavered as she tried to figure out the answer for herself. After a moment she gave a tiny nod and Pam gently wiped away the tears on Amelia's right cheek with her thumb. 

"It's alright. The shirt. The crying. You. It's just you and me here...and nothing bad is going to happen when you're with me, right?" 

Amelia sniffled through a hoarse laugh. She gave another nod as a few more tears fell down. "Right."

"So no more apologies." Pam smiled warmly and slid the hand from Amelia's cheek to rub her back. After a moment Amelia slid forward and they both curled into each other's arms. Pam let Amelia cry until she tired herself out before fetching her a cuppa and wrapping her up in a blanket to rest on the sofa. Pam finished up the laundry, checking in every so often on the snoozing blonde. 

* * *

Amelia's face fell mid sentence as the two entered the dance hall and the sound of swing music met them. 

"Oh no...I don't think--"

"Then don't think. Coat." Pam interrupted her hands hovering over her shoulders expectantly. 

"Pamela." She shot her a look, brow shirked and head tilting. She was not doing this.

"Amelia." Pam shot back shirking her own brows and dragging out the 'e'.

Yes they were.

Amelia's shoulders shrank, head rolling back, and she looked off in defeat. Pam smiled and helped her out of her jacket. After checking both their jackets and paying the entrance fee, she linked her arm through Amelia's and lead them happily towards one of the tables closer to the stage. Amelia warily eyed the dance floor in the middle of all the tables. She was still looking around after they were seated and she felt a gentle rubbing on the back of her hand. She looked down to see Pam covering her hand on the table and looked over to Pam with unsure eyes. 

"Thank you for this." Pam said, head tilted and eyes filled with affection. "I know it's not your scene...but you may be surprised. This place is a gas.*"

After a few songs swaying at the table, Pam couldn't resist dragging Amelia onto the dance floor to teach her how to triple step. "Come on snake let's rattle!" Pam had said, standing and moving over to Amelia's side of the table.

"What?"

Pam laughed and reached out a hand. "Let's dance."

Amelia looked at her like she'd sprouted a second head. 

"Come on, I'll teach you the steps...please?" Pam put on her sweetest expression, hips and shoulders already grooving with the music. 

Amelia's mouth hung open a moment but she couldn't force herself to voice any more complaint, eyes drawing down to the movement. Her head fell back. "Fine. ONE dance." 

Pam beamed in triumph, pulling Amelia to her feet and leading them out on the floor. 

Amelia found by the end of the night she was breathless, hair out of sorts, had sweat dripping down her back, and most surprising of all, she was grinning ear to ear as she clung to Pam's arms. 

* * *

Amelia's laughter rang through the empty flat as flour dusted arms circled beneath her own from behind. 

"Here"--Pam's hands slid over her own, demonstrating how to kneed the dough--"Like this. See we'll have you hosting elaborate dinner parties again in no time, sod the cooking staff." Another laugh honked free from Amelia as she grinned over her shoulder at Pam, a powdery fingerprint smudged across the tip of her nose. 

* * *

Amelia, tore off another piece of bread and dropped it over the low fence into the throng of ducks floating in the murky water below. 

"It's true. The most useful things I know how to do are ride a horse sidesaddle and play a limited number of songs on the piano." 

Pam watched her from where she was leaning on the fence and gave a scoff. "Bollocks."

"Pamela!" Amelia hissed quietly, looking around to see if anyone had heard her.

"Well it is." She laughed and turned around so she could prop her arms on the fence, bending over to set her chin on them as she watched the ducks. "You never give yourself any credit--" Pam glanced back over to Amelia, narrowing her eyes in thought.

Amelia glanced over disjointedly when she felt the stare. "W..what?"--After a moment of silence she continued with a nervous laugh--"Pamela, what?"

Pam grinned. "You're going to teach me how to play a song." Amelia honked out across the pond, hand flying to cover her mouth in attempt to hide it. (A goose in the distance may have honked back.) 

"On what piano?"

"We'll find a piano."

Amelia shook her head, staring incredulously at Pam over a tempered smile. 

Oh God. Amelia tried not to wince, holding her encouraging smile in place as Pamela murdered an innocent piano. Taking pity on the piano, and the patrons in the music store that had kindly let them use the piano, she placed her hands over Pam's to stop them. She thought a moment and scooched closer on the bench, heart pounding as their thighs pressed against one another. She picked up Pam's hand and placed it over her own, indicating Pam do the same with the other as she positioned her hands over the piano. She met Pam's eyes with a nod before looking back to the keys and going over the correct timing and keys for the song they'd been working on the last twenty minutes.   


* * *

Amelia was so blissfully happy she hadn't stopped to think about the reason she'd asked St. John for time and when the end of that time showed up, five days away, she was completely blindsided. She had been sure there was more time. She wasn't ready. The next five days, she stayed in her flat ignoring the two calls that came. On the morning of the fifth day, she stood looking out the window with teacup in hand. The tea had gone cold but she hadn't taken notice, fingers busy plucking at the rim. The sound of the bell made her jerk, the cup rattling on the saucer. She inhaled and looked towards the door. The maid wasn't in today...which she felt may be for the best as she still hadn't quite decided what to tell him. Setting the saucer down on a side table she made her way to the door, taking a deep breath and putting on a smile before pulling it open. Her mouth fell open as she stared wide eyed at Pamela standing on her doorstep, flushed, décolletage heaving, and hand bracing her on the door frame.

Amelia's eyes softened as she stared in stunned silence.  
  
"A..Amelia--"Pamela sucked in a few burning breaths, free hand going to her abdomen. She looked up and her expression caused Amelia's heart to ache. Pam's mouth opened useless and without words as the plea in her eyes called for reprieve. She swallowed hard and righted herself fully. Moving forward, and well overstepping the minimal polite distance between persons, she grasped Amelia's hands between them. "I..I don't want you to marry him."  
  
Amelia inhaled, eyes locked on Pamela before finally looking around and pulling them both inside. She closed the door quickly with both hands, taking a second to collect herself before turning back to face Pam. The brunette appeared on the verge of tears.

"I..know I said it's your choice, and it is, I just...you didn't take my calls"--She took a breath, shoulders sagging and eyes searching for any sign from Amelia. Any sign that it wasn't all over. That she had felt what Pam had during the past two months.--"And I needed you to know. I needed you to know how I felt before you"--Her voice cracked as tears slid down her cheeks--"before you went through with it."

Amelia stepped forward, arms sliding around Pamela and a hand bracing the back of her head as their body's collided in a heated kiss muffling Pam's relieved sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gas: a good time 
> 
> More things to come...but this screamed to be posted. Or it could have been me. I may have been the one screaming.


	6. Moment of truth: test your mettle

Amelia had known the moment Pamela appeared at her door what her decision would be. Had known in the moment of relief at seeing Pam in place of St. John what her choice was always meant to be. She had loved Thomas despite his flaws…a love far more intricate than the affection she felt for St. John but she wasn’t stupid. Maybe there had been times when she had believed she was but she wasn’t really. She knew the relationship was…not the healthiest but what marriage was perfect, what man? Thomas hadn’t only been made up of rage and control. She had been privy to the beautiful pieces of him that others never saw and she had fallen for the man behind the rage…the potential he held to be more that man. If only she could have found a way to keep him happy. She was just hoping one day he would revert back to the man he was in the beginning, when they first started dating. She had thought…if she just held out, made a proper go of it…that would be the right thing to do and things would work out. She had been afraid to let go of that hope…afraid of stepping into the unknown. Afraid of admitting that her friendship with Pam hadn’t been just a friendship even all those years ago.

Pam brought out the best in Amelia and made her feel strong. Where there had been fear and a feeling of being so very small, Pam had brought her acceptance and kindness. Where she had been mocked and silenced, she had learned to speak out and laugh. Where there had been pain, Pam had shown her she had reason to be praised. It had always been a source of pride knowing, despite Pam’s pension for calling everyone babe, that “kitten” had been for her ears only. A term of endearment whispered in private. Amelia now ~~recognized~~ could admit to herself what it had been all along between them: more than friendship, more than attraction. Amelia wanted to be with Pam but more than that, she wanted to be the person she was when she was with Pam.  
  
Her hands slid down to hold Pam’s as they pulled back from the kiss, still just a breath away. “What now?” She whispered, afraid to open her eyes again in case she should somehow wake and find it had all been another fantasy she dreamed up. She felt Pam take a deep breath before answering.

“You’ll break off the engagement?” Pam’s grip tightened, hope lacing her words.

Amelia swallowed, thoughts of the gossip and once again becoming a social pariah swarming her head. She opened her eyes, needing the strength that Pam's own gave her. The confident brunette seemed so fragile before her now. Amelia told herself she could be strong for Pam and nodded with a scared smile. “I don’t know how or what I can possibly say…but I will. I’ll tell him I can’t marry him.”

The smile that spread over Pam’s face warmed Amelia’s heart. She thought she wanted to do her best to only ever see smiles there in the future as Pam surged forward, arms circling behind Amelia’s neck and interrupted with another kiss. God, her kisses were better than chocolate cake and an operatic aria combined. When the kiss broke this time Amelia couldn’t help a small gasp before an affectionate smile crossed her features. But then the bell rang. She startled, cold dread sinking in as she looked over her shoulder towards the door. Warm hands stilled her own that had apparently begun trembling and she looked back to Pam. “I…what do I do if he asks why?”  
  
“Tell him the truth. You don’t love him.”

“W..what if--” Her eyes closed again as thoughts sprung forth of his face twisted, shouting, looking far too much like Thomas.

“Do you want me to stay?”

Amelia opened her eyes, brows pinched. “I--” What if he made out their secret? What if he saw them together and knew? Her chest felt so tight and she couldn’t think straight through the noise of her heart beat.

“Amelia?” She heard Pam but couldn’t see her. Tears slid slowly down her cheeks.

“Amelia breathe, please kitten. Everything will be okay, just breathe.”

She tried but her body clenched in rejection of each attempted breath, cutting off halfway through. She..she couldn’t breathe. Her body curled in on itself trying to find a less painful position, legs giving way from under her. Was this what a heart attack felt like? After everything was she just going to die now…missing her chance with Pam once again? She seemed to have more luck with shallow breaths. Eventually the pain eased and she risked inhaling deeper. Pam’s arms were around her, stroking her back, and Amelia wanted to stay there and ignore everything else…but the bell rang again and she gripped Pam tighter. Forcing herself to sit up she gave a broken chuckle.

“Sorry..I’m”--She paused at the look Pam gave her, remembering her rule about apologies--“Sorry.” She winced having done it again and tilted her head with a shrugged brow and another weak chuckle.

“Right.” One deep breath and she stood, Pam helping her along the way. “St. John…I think..I think it may be best if I tell him on my own…if that’s alright?”

Pam nodded with a smile. “More than…I’ll be in the next room, if you need me.”  
  
Amelia exhaled, gratitude in her eyes as she gave Pam’s hand a squeeze. “Thank you.”  
  
She watched Pam, hand on the door knob, and waited for her to be completely out of sight before opening up and greeting St. John. She was stiff but not unkind when he leaned in to kiss her. If he noticed the change he didn’t let on and she invited him inside. She busied herself getting him a cup of tea, stalling she knew, as he chattered on about how much he’d missed her. Her breath caught, hands frozen as she felt his arms slide around her waist from behind.

“You’ve no idea how much I’ve missed the feel of you in my arms.” She couldn’t help jerking her head away as he leant in towards her neck. “Amy?” She took the opportunity to step away when his grip loosened, air finding her lungs again as soon as she was free. She handed him his cup with a half-smile.

“St. John, please, have a seat.” She sat herself on the sofa and gestured to the spot next to her.

“What’s this about now?”

“Won’t you sit?” She smiled at him, more convincingly this time. She felt small again.

“What’s going on Amelia?” He kept standing there in front of her, over her. She steeled herself and carefully removed her engagement ring, leaning forward briefly to place it gently on the coffee table.

“I’m sorry…I…I can’t marry you.” She kept her eyes trained down, avoiding eye contact even as he sunk to his knees and took hold of her shoulders.

“What? Why? Did I do something wrong? Tell me, Amy, and I’ll fix it, whatever it is.”

“There’s nothing to fix St. John. I’m sorry. I thought I was ready--”

“Then we’ll wait until you are.”

“No. St. John. I..I’m sorry but I don’t love you.”

“It’s someone else”--He breathed out as it dawned on him. She finally looked up, fear in her eyes, and it was the only confirmation he needed--“Isn’t it? You fucking bitch! All this time you promised yourself to me and sent me away to what?! Whore around behind my back? Who is he?!” She pressed back into the sofa but it did little to distance her from the man leaning over her, each fingertip digging deep into the flesh of her arms. She shook her head.

“There’s no one--” She cried out as a hard smack jarred her face to the side. She focused on the sharp sting stretching across her cheek...from the back of his insignia ring no doubt..it was better than thinking about what would come next.

“Do.Not.Lie.To.Me.” A shudder ran along the length of her spine, unable to make herself turn back to face him. His hand lifted again and she flinched with a scream muffled behind lips tightly clamped but the pain never came. Instead there was a loud clang and the hand holding her fell away. St. John himself fell away, right to the floor, unconscious it would seem. Trembling from head to toe, she looked up to see Pam drop a metal vase to the floor beside him.

“Dear God…is he—“

“Dead? Doubt it. Cockroaches never die that easily do they? I don’t fancy him waking up here though.” Amelia only stared in stunned horror at her. “Give me a hand?…” Pam bent over, slipping her hand under his shoulders and finding a grip under his arms.

“W..what do you expect us to do? Drag a body out into the street and just leave him there? I do have neighbors Pam. Do you really think they won’t--”

“He attacked you Amelia.”

“No, it was just—“

“No just about it; give that bruise a few hours and that much will be plain for anyone to see.” Pam nodded towards Amelia’s face. “Who’s to say he won’t start up again when he wakes up?” She sighed dropping her hold and standing. “Alright. I’ll ring the police and they can pick him up.”

“What? No!” Amelia stood, taking hold of Pam’s arm. “You’ve just smashed him over the head Pam…”

“To stop him hitting you.”

“What if they arrest you…what if he doesn’t…what if he doesn’t wake up?” Amelia saw a flash of worry break Pam’s confident mask.

“A doctor then?”

“Yes, a doctor. T..that’s a good idea. I’ll see if I can find the number…”

* * *

After the phone call explaining what had happened there was nothing left but to wait. Hot tea to comfort the nerves: that was the thing for it. Both sat in the kitchen, eyes flicking warily back towards the living room every so often. Pam had given up trying to lighten the mood leaving nothing but the steam from their tea and pensive silence to fill the dead air. Instead they held hands under the table, Pam’s thumb rubbing soothing circles over the back of Amelia’s.  
  
Amelia turned to the window first as the gravel crunched underneath the tires of the vehicle pulling up outside. When Pam followed her gaze, she stood and rushed to the front door, Amelia quickly tailing behind to take hold of her hand again.

“Are you Mrs. Davenport?” Asked the tidy young man on the doorstep holding his medical bag in one hand. Pam got the impression he may even be popular at a dance hall if he took that severe look off his face.

“Ms. Horsfall. This is Mrs. Davenport.” She stepped to the side to reveal a very pale Amelia. “Please come in, he’s right through here.”

When they all made it into the living room, the only thing on the ground was the abandoned vase. Amelia barely managed to cut off a wail behind her hand as Pam helped steady her. The doctor looked expectantly at them both and Pam spoke up. “He was right there…maybe he’s stumbled off to another room?” Everyone’s heads snapped to attention as a loud bang came from the foyer. “The front door—“ Pam muttered before pulling away to go check. She saw no one in the foyer or outside the flat. Closing the door gently, she returned to the living room and convinced the doctor to wait a moment for her to check the rest of the flat just in case but St. John was gone. She apologized to the doctor, trying to ignore the cross belittling attitude that had cropped up in his responses, as she showed him out. Amelia hadn't moved by the time she returned, standing there with one hand rubbing the sore spot on the opposite arm where he had held her. Pam tried to look cheerful as Amelia turned to her with uncertainty etched into her features. 

"Well, where ever he's got off to, at least he isn't here causing any more trouble." She piped up with a smile as she crossed the space between them to carefully take up Amelia's free hand. Amelia did not appear reassured in the least and simply leaned her good cheek against Pam's chest in silence, eyes closing. "Come sit down. I'll get something to clean that scrape." Amelia looked up with a confused frown. "Your cheek..." Pam clarified softly, kissing Amelia's forehead and leading her by the hand to a chair.

Amelia let Pam tend to her, only wincing a bit under the gentle dabbing. She tilted her head obediently for the frozen flank of beef that was lain over top the now bandaged scrape. "What if he comes back?" Amelia asked quietly, no energy left to project any louder. 

Pam looked at her a moment and reached out to cover Amelia's hands in her lap. "Then I'll be here and like hell he's putting a hand on either of us if that's the case."


End file.
